“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.” -Honore de Balzac
Ever since I was little I have trusted myself. If I dreamed it, I could do it. I felt so free, like I could conquer the world. Shortly after my fourteenth birthday, I found my dad dead in our backyard. That is when my biggest doubts started to creep in. Everything I was experiencing didn’t seem real. Why would my dad commit suicide? How come he left me? Why didn’t he tell me what he was going through? How was I ever going to get through this?
What does doubt sound like?
“Always trust yourself more than you doubt yourself.” – Unknown
When we get stuck in patterns of focusing on our weaknesses and fears, doubt fills us. We forget about our strengths. Doubt sounds like “I can’t,” “I won’t be able to,” “I shouldn’t,” “What will they think?, “What if I fail?” When we start to question ourselves from a place of fear, we lose trust in our ability to overcome. I was afraid to feel pain. I shut down. If it involved feeling uncomfortable, I wasn’t going to let it in.
Why do we let doubt take over?
“The moment you doubt that you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.” – J.M. Barrie
We live in a society that values the extraordinary. We measure success by the outside. How big your house is, what kind of car you drive, how much money you make, what your body looks like, how busy you are, etc. We get trapped in comparison and forget about all the things we possess on the inside, which are the things that matter the most. When we can’t see our own good qualities, it’s difficult to believe that we are capable of doing hard things or that we are worthy exactly the way we are. We doubt ourselves and assume we won’t measure up.
Believing the inner critic.
“Don’t doubt yourself, there are plenty of people who will do that for you.” – Unknown
Naturally, all of the people I trusted had no idea what to say to me or how to handle their own grief. I started to doubt my own ability to heal. When you are the only girl in high school that you know of whose father committed suicide, that’s a big failure. All eyes are on you. You can feel the stares and hear the stories. It’s a really uncomfortable feeling. One you don’t want to share. Instead, I doubted myself and my feelings. I didn’t want anyone to know how much pain I was really in. What if something was wrong with me? Because I doubted my ability to heal, I pretended to be okay. I was listening to the wrong voice. The one that was telling me why I shouldn’t do things, why I wasn’t good enough and the one reminding me why I should be fearful.
Listen to the real voice within
“If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” – Vincent Van Gogh
Self doubt fades when we connect with ourselves. When we slow down and get silent, that is when we can really hear. We can truly feel what is present and needs our attention. We can find clarity in our own truth. Truth is what heals us. Doubt is where we suffer.
The real path to healing.
“Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.” -Unknown
It took me almost 30 years to stop letting self-doubt and fear guide my healing process. We have to feel the pain, no matter what that looks like from the outside or how long it takes. No matter what people say or how afraid you are, keep going and keep believing that healing is possible. You are worthy and you matter. Everything you need is already inside of you. Realize that you are the only thing standing in your way.