Forgiveness, there would be no chance of it. I had danced with the devil, there would be no second chances. I can remember the morning just like it was yesterday. The taste of alcohol on my lips from the night before and that queasy feeling in my stomach. I opened the front door being hit with crisp mountain air and the bright morning sun reflecting off the snow. I can feel my head pounding and my heart racing. The feeling of regret and my brutal hangover had set in. I danced with the devil and I was forever changed because of it.
No Forgiveness In Sight
I was forever changed, but more importantly my dance with the devil would lead to years of regret and wondering where life’s journey had taken you. Were you still living that mountain life? Did you venture back to your hometown? Maybe life took you somewhere brand new. All I knew is that I was missing out on all of it and our friendship came to a screeching halt that crisp winter morning with no forgiveness in sight.
I blamed my poor decision on the alcohol, my current state of mind, and my need to feel loved. Hell, I even blamed it on the weather so I didn’t have to take responsibility for my actions. No apology or accountability could change that my actions destroyed a friendship and broke a friend’s heart.
Courage To Admit My Wrongdoing
My past life would cross my mind every so often and most of the thoughts were around who I used to be and who I am today. During my past seasons, I was given grace by others that I did not always deserve and was given love that I didn’t always understand. I’m so thankful for this past and all of the things it taught me, but I am also proud of how much growth has taken place. I have put in many hours of hard work to better myself, but I always wondered where your journey took you. If given the chance I would have the courage to admit my wrongdoing and hope you would give me the chance to ask for your forgiveness. Until I was given that chance I had to forgive myself and release the pain I was carrying that was tied to my dance with the devil.
Feeling Of Hope
Close to ten years had passed since that cold winter morning. I felt a warm and gentle hand on my shoulder. As I turned around I saw a familiar face—the face of a friend whose trust I had lost so many years ago. You weren’t angry and you weren’t harsh. You were kind and your words were gentle. I was speechless. We said a quick hello and life continued to move forward, but I remember this feeling of hope. You chose to say hello to me and reconnect. Maybe there would be an opportunity to ask for your forgiveness after all.
The Opportunity I Had Longed For
The day passed and thanks to social media we were brought back together. My heart skipped a beat as that little arrow in the right hand corner showed I had a message—a message from you.
“And so good to see you yesterday. I thought about it all day-how crazy it is that we’ve been living in the same area for so long. I would love to reconnect maybe over lunch or a walk around the lake? Also, apologize for the past and our falling out…it was so long ago and I’ve (thankfully) grown so much since then. I am sorry for the way I acted. Let me know if you’d like to catch up.”
I stumbled over the words. She was apologizing? Why was she apologizing? I should be the one asking for forgiveness. I had to think about my response. I had to take ownership for my dance with the devil. I knew deep down this was the opportunity I had been longing for.
“Hey! So crazy that we have lived so close and it took us this long to run into each other, but normally there is a reason for everything! I was actually talking to Neil about how our friendship ended yesterday and how it still weighed very heavily on my heart. I betrayed you and never owned up to that. It took me a long time to realize how immature I was and how that last year in the mountains I was my rock bottom. That time was so lonely and I lashed out at people that didn’t deserve it. I am so very sorry for the way I treated you.”
Can’t Rush Forgiveness
I know I can’t rush forgiveness and I am so thankful that this friend was brave enough to say hello that day. That hello was a sign of believing in me and believing in our friendship. I truly believe that sometimes we lose people and find them again. Even more so, the second time we find them things make more sense. And ten years later, this friendship makes more sense than ever!