The memories that get lost in the hustle and bustle of life. I can feel them slipping away. The tiny, every day moments that make being a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a warrior so incredible. I wish there was a way to create a highlight reel of these amazing moments. They are so easy to forget, but my heart aches for them and I want to remember each and every one of them.
That awkward, but incredible moment.
I want to go back to the moment I first kissed my husband. I want to remember the smell of the cool early summer air. I want to remember the way we nervously held hands just before that awkward, but incredible moment. I want to remember how my heart began to race and how I knew from that moment on my world would be a little less chaotic and filled with a lot more love.
Memories lost in the tantrums and guilt.
I want to remember how I felt holding each of my kids just moments after they were born. I want to escape back to moments (or I should say hours) of nuzzling my nose in to their heads and soaking up that newborn baby smell. The feel of their tiny little fingers and the sound of their sweet breaths. There is nothing in the world that could replace those memories, but they seem to have gotten lost in the tantrums and guilt that come with being a mom.
I want to hold on to the memories of them giggling and laughing uncontrollably. Oh there is no sound in the world greater than hearing your kids laugh. The way they waddle and dance in just their diapers. The sound of their feet running across the floor while they play or when they run to you with arms wide open for a hug. I can picture these moments so clearly, but the memories are also blurred as if they seem like they were a lifetime ago.
Moments when it was just us.
I wish I could revisit the moments that made the bond with my own mom so incredibly strong. The feeling of her arms around me and the smell of blueberry bars and coffee that fill her house. The moments that we spent loving, laughing, crying, talking, or simply just being. The moments when it was just us. When we were fully present because life was simpler then. For it is those moments slowly transformed us from being mother and daughter to being best friends.
I never want to forget those lessons.
I don’t ever want to forget the trials and tribulations that have made me the warrior I am today. The rock bottoms with old boyfriends and how the tears felt running down my cheeks as I spent hours crying and praying that my life would find a greater purpose. The burn in my legs and mental anguish I felt while running my marathons because during those moments I had to rely on more then my own strength. I had to search the universe for something more. I never want to forget those memories because each one is tied to a lesson or a hardship. Each of those lessons or hardships take me back to a time of soul searching and learning.
I have so much living left to do.
I want to remember all of these moments I can feel slipping away because I am too busy, too tired, too distracted, too selfish, too whatever. Each moment serves as a connection to a time that has helped shape me, heal me, and guide me. For I have so much living left to do and it is these memories that will serve as a reminder to understand more deeply, to love more openly, and give grace more often.