These last few months have been disorienting. To gather enough focus to put pen to paper and write down my thoughts has been daunting. The struggle to identify up from down, left from right, has created an unsettledness in my spirit where I find myself lacking awareness of who I am. Where I am. Or how I even got here. Opinions, judgments, theories, data, commentary, are shooting in from every direction, and are ever-changing. In spite of my best efforts to guard my heart from the overpowering media and the talk associated with it, it has been unavoidable. And a question has risen in me: What Perspective am I to hold on to?
An Internal Struggle
Sitting in my chair one afternoon in a rare moment of quiet, an image of a tree comes to my mind. In this image, one side of the tree is in full bloom and abounding in life. Contrasted with the other side, where the tree is dark, lifeless and merely an array of sticks. I was captivated by this image as so powerfully it depicts the internal tug-of-war I am feeling. The tug-of-war between perspectives that are being spoken or unspoken.
- Optimism vs pessimism
- Hope vs fear
- Life vs death
- Joy vs paranoia
Daily, moment by moment, I find myself engaged in this tug-of-war wondering how it is I am to feel? What it is I am to think? How it is I am to view? What it is I am to do? It is a stressful and exhausting place to be.
The Negative Impact
As I anxiously attempt to interpret this place I find myself in mentally, physically and emotionally, I’m aware of the toxicity and the power all of my questions are beginning to have in other areas of my life. I’m . . .
Questioning my writing and if I have anything to offer.
Doubting my parenting and how I spend my time with my kids.
Analyzing if I bring any value to my relationships.
Viewing my body as less than beautiful.
This is the part where, as a writer, an encourager and a light bearer, I feel the pressure to shoot off fireworks and tell you an amazing story of how I have found the holy grail (aka the quick fix). But I haven’t. The reality is, there is no quick fix. Slow and steady is kingdom living and the TRUE holy grail. And rather than posing and acting as though I have it all figured it out, I come to you as I am…disoriented and a bit messy.
A True Perspective
So if you find yourself in a similar place, asking the question ‘What perspective am I to hold on to?’, I invite you to join me. Let us pause. Let us breathe. And let us go to the feet of our Father with our question. Let us ask Him for His eyes to see the greater story. His perspective to see beyond all fear and doubt. His interpretation that transcends all the chaos and confusion. Let’s ask for a fresh revelation of His affection for us. A fresh revelation of His heart towards us. And a fresh revelation of what is true of you and of me.
