When you’re expecting a baby, it is easy no matter how excited you might be, to feel anxious; you might even start to panic because you’ve never had a baby before and you don’t know what you need to do to keep that little bundle safe and well when they do get here.
But, you know what? Everyone feels that way, and it’s totally fine and normal. That being said, one thing that can help is to learn as much as you can about having a baby before they get here…
1. How to Hold a Baby (Yes, They’re Wiggly, Not Porcelain Dolls)
Look, holding a baby isn’t rocket science, but it’s also not as “instinctive” as movies make it seem. Babies are squishy, wiggly, and have zero sense of self-preservation. You’ll need to support the head (because their neck muscles are still in “beta testing”), cradle the body, and master the “football hold,” “cradle hold,” and “please-don’t-cry hold.” Read: “How To Hold A Baby: Safe Positions, Plus Helpful Tips – Mustela USA” and you’ll have it down in no time.
Pro Tip: Babies can’t roll their eyes yet, but if they could, they’d do it when you’re holding them awkwardly. Confidence is key — even if you’re silently panicking.
2. Swaddling: Baby Burrito 101
Swaddling sounds cute until you’re wrestling with a squirmy baby at 2 AM, trying to remember if the “left flap goes under the right” or “right over left.” Newsflash: It’s not a karate belt, but it feels just as complicated. The goal is to wrap them up snug like a Chipotle burrito so they feel cozy and secure.
Pro Tip: Invest in Velcro swaddle blankets. It’s like putting training wheels on your parental confidence.
3. Mastering the “Baby Equipment Gauntlet”
Car seats, strollers, bouncers, oh my! If you think IKEA instructions are confusing, just wait until you’re trying to install a rear-facing car seat at 3 PM on a 90-degree day. You’ll need a degree in engineering and possibly an exorcist.
Pro Tip: Do a “dry run” installation before you’re racing to the hospital. Otherwise, you’ll be on YouTube watching a stranger named Dave explain it while your partner questions every life choice that brought you here.
4. Diapering: It’s Not Just “On” and “Off”
Diapers are deceptively simple — until they’re not. There’s a “front” and a “back” (yes, it matters), and if you’re off by even an inch, you’re one sneeze away from a blowout. And oh, you’ll learn about blowouts. They’re like mini biological warfare events.
Pro Tip: Keep extra clothes for yourself in the diaper bag. You’ll understand why the first time you’re holding a baby who suddenly “erupts.”
5. Bottle It Up (Or Breastfeed — Either Way, It’s a Skill)
If you’re planning to bottle feed, you’ll need to learn about sterilizing bottles, mixing formula correctly, and finding the “right nipple flow.” (Yes, “nipple flow” is a term you’ll say unironically.) If you’re breastfeeding, prepare for latch lessons, sore nipples, and the realization that “cluster feeding” is basically baby’s version of binge-watching a show.
Pro Tip: Buy more bottles than you think you need. Washing them every 12 minutes is a circle of parenthood hell.
6. How to Function on 3 Hours of Sleep (Spoiler: You Don’t)
People will tell you to “sleep when the baby sleeps.” Those people are either liars or retired grandparents. Your baby will nap in 40-minute bursts, just long enough for you to consider doing laundry before collapsing. You’ll need to learn how to operate like a zombie — except zombies don’t have to fill out insurance forms for pediatrician visits.
Pro Tip: Coffee isn’t a beverage anymore — it’s an essential nutrient.
7. Bathing a Baby Without Accidentally Bathing Yourself
Baby baths are less “spa day” and more “splash zone.” Babies have an uncanny ability to kick, splash, and flail at just the right moment. You’ll need to figure out water temperature, which soaps are “gentle and tear-free,” and how to avoid getting drenched.
Pro Tip: Keep towels within arm’s reach. If you walk away, they’ll “accidentally” pee in the tub like it’s a Vegas pool party.
8. The “What Does That Cry Mean?” Game Show
Is it hunger? Gas? A dirty diaper? Existential dread? Babies cry for all these reasons and sometimes just for sport. You’ll quickly learn that each cry has a “vibe” — hunger cry is different from the “I’m bored and want to watch you suffer” cry.
Pro Tip: White noise machines are a parent’s best friend. They’re like “shh” in speaker form.
9. Decoding Baby Clothes (Why So Many Snaps?!)
Dressing a baby seems easy until you’re faced with a onesie with 37 snaps and you’re racing against a crying baby’s patience. Zippers are your salvation. Snaps are the enemy. Baby clothes are also deceptively small and somehow manage to get “poo-nami’d” no matter what.
Pro Tip: Avoid “over-the-head” outfits unless you’re training for the parental Olympics.
10. Baby Photo Etiquette (Yes, There’s a Limit)
It’s natural to want to document every adorable yawn, hiccup, and sneeze. But before you’re spamming your social media feed with 40 identical baby pictures, remember this: less is more. Capture the magic, but maybe don’t post every single frame. Send the bulk of the photo dump to the family group chat. Trust us, your friends will appreciate it.
Pro Tip: Create a “shared album” for close family. That way, Grandma gets the full 50-photo slideshow, and your friends don’t mute you on Instagram.
11. Knowing When to Call for Backup
Last but not least, it’s important to learn that you can ask for help when you need it because no new parent knows it all, after all! Work out which family members and friends will be happy for you to call them, even if it is 3 am and you panicking because your baby is doing something they’ve never done before, and make sure you have their number and they know you might call if necessary. Put the paediatrician’s number on speed dial too. Just in case.
Pro Tip: Every parent has “that” moment where they realize they’re in over their head. Asking for help is a power move, not a failure.
Final Words of “Wisdom”
If you’ve read this far, you’re already ahead of the game. Parenting is messy, loud, and unpredictable — but it’s also filled with “firsts” that will melt your exhausted heart. You’re not going to be perfect, but guess what? Perfect parents don’t exist. (If they did, they’d be really annoying at playdates.)
So, learn the baby basics, pack extra diapers, and prepare to roll with the punches. You’ve got this. And if you don’t? Call Grandma. Grandma’s got this.
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