I could throw statistics at you all day about the number of people who have thought about, attempted, and died from suicide within the last year. But tell me this, if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself will the data stop you? It did not stop me. Yes, I am a suicide attempt survivor. I know the feeling of being so overwhelmed, sad, afraid, and alone. I know what it is like to be in such a dark pit you do not know how to pull yourself out. But let me tell you this; Loneliness does not have to consume you.
I am a Suicide Attempt Survivor
It has taken me years to be able to openly talk about this part of my past. I can talk about the abuse and neglect, but this one hits closer to home. This is not about what others did to me, it is about what I did to myself…and that is a hard thing. I used to feel a lot of shame and guilt around my attempts. Now, I see someone who has survived a lot of hard things. I see someone who survived.
I do not want to go into details about my attempts because the fact of the matter is that it is not about the attempts. It is the feelings and emotions leading up to attempts. The feeling of extreme loneliness. Worthlessness. Sadness so strong you can hardly take it. Darkness. Fearfulness.
I see you!
If you are feeling this. If the words you are reading speak straight to your heart, let me share something with you. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness does not have to consume you. Read that part again. Take that in. When I attempted, that loneliness feeling did consume me. I did not feel like I had anyone to go to, and I felt like I had to keep every feeling, every heartache to myself. I felt like I was going to explode. Even if I did reach out, I did not know how to explain what I needed or what was going on. Listen, I have been there. I see you struggling, hurting, and trying. I see you wanting to feel okay again.
After the Last Attempt
Life immediately after an attempt to take your own life is weird. For me, no one knew it was an attempt to take my own life. People just thought that I hurt myself. That is what I led them to believe, and I kept this secret for a long time. I felt like I was living a double life. After my attempt, I came to know Christ and my life changed dramatically. Now, I am not saying that I have never struggled with this again-because if I did, I would be lying to you-but I am saying that God changed my life.
God brought a family into my life that has loved me unconditionally. They have been there for me through thick and thin. He has brought my husband and daughter into my life. He has blessed me in ways I could have never imagined.
The Surviving Continues After the Attempts
I am not saying that my life has been sunshine and rainbows after the attempts. It has still been hard. I must do a lot of hard work and I have been working on letting people in and being vulnerable with them. Work needs to be done on knowing what I need and communicating that with loved ones. I also have to receive their love and comfort. I have had to do a lot of self-work.
Many things have helped me throughout the years. The biggest things are the simplest things. What I mean is when I have been in a hard place, sometimes just receiving a text message from a loved one saying they love me and are thinking about me really help. It makes me feel like I am not alone. And I am not alone.
Loneliness Does Not Have to Consume You
It has taken me longer than I want to admit to realize that I can open up and ask for help. That I do not have to be alone. You do not have to be alone. You do not have to suffer in silence. If you are hurting, talk to someone you trust. If you are in need, you can call this 24 hour hotline too: 800-273-8255. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness does not have to consume you. Just keep swimming.
