I stand looking in the mirror. I am unmasked and starting the journey of unbecoming. It starts again though. I hear her breathing and speaking her bullshit behind my back. I empower her every time I am not true to myself. Every time I doubt the healing process, she gains more ground. I give her strength every time I change myself to fit other’s expectations. Her name is perfection.
The perfect life. A past that only shows the perfect moments. A future that is perfectly planned. A life that hides the flawed and human, but beautiful mess that I am.
The Weight Of Her
Before today, I carried all her weight. I carried her weight disguised as pleasing others. By shrinking to fit other’s expectations of me, she became more proud. I carried her weight by hiding my story. Realizing now though, I need to set her down. I need to unmask myself and own my story of unbecoming.
You see, I now realize I am not meant to shrink to fit in to other’s expectations. I am meant to live. I am meant to heal.
So, I have decided to put her down. I have decided that I no longer have to carry her weight. I am committing to this journey of unbecoming.
Not long ago I was reading and came across this quote that shook me to my bones. A very wise, but unknown human wrote “maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you so you can become who you were mean to be in the first place.”
So, I am taking off the mask. I am unbecoming everything perfection expects me to be.
This idea of unbecoming is scary as hell. It is overwhelming. To be honest, I am not even sure I know what it truly looks like.
I haven’t made it past this point in my journey of unbecoming. Confused by all of it. A bit broken. A whole lot of angry. Some days the amount of anxiety that is a part of this journey is overwhelming. Through all of this though I am also finding an overwhelming amount of compassion and grace for myself–for my journey.
Here I am, unraveling, breaking down, untangling, and undoing everything I thought I was supposed to be, so I can become exactly who I was meant to be in the first place.
I am unbecoming.
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